trulyamy

Life Begins Again

Mon, 02 Oct 2006 00:34:27 GMT

These lights are racing toward me
They are coming oh so fast
How can I handle this
How long will these feelings last
Oh I know Ive tried this before
Time and time again
I know I have to let this hurt
And just take it all in
How can I conquer all this pain
I know I need to grieve
I must accept who I am
To make these feelings leave

Ohhhh Live begins again
And its a brand new day
Leading into a new chapter
Waiting to see what it will say
Life is unpredictable
Not planned or forseen
And if you let it hurt too much
It will shatter all your dreams

Now some things dont make sense to me
And bother me for days
The guilt and shame I dont deserve
Decides that it will stay
But I must keep getting stronger
I will live to fight another day
Ill keep walking on the unknown paths
Until I find my way
I will get stronger, I will not accept defeat
I will sing freedom from the balcony
I will shout it in the street

Ohhhh life begins again
And its a brand new day
Leading into a new chapter
Waiting to see what it will say
Oh Life is unpredictable
Not planned or forseen
but sometimes someone comes along
And gives you back your dreams...

Alone

Thu, 10 Aug 2006 22:53:02 GMT

Its been WAY to long since I have written...I miss it...anyways, here I am and so Ill write (type actually). This week has been ok I guess...I got a promotion!! I got a raise!!!So something good did happen...but I also got spider bitten,(Im ok), and I havent been feeling like "me" lately...now that I think about it what does feeling like "me" feel like? Hmmmm....it feels lonely...at the moment I feel absolutely, and completely alone...it is a loneliness that you drown in, and the funny thing is that Im rarely by myself! I have my babies and they are WONDERFUL!!!, but sometimes being a mommy is tough...and always giving to them and being strong for them is sometimes (I know Im horrid for saying this) draining!! There are moments when I wish someone else could hold me...someone else could be the emotionally strong one...I wish I could fall asleep feeling safe, feeling loved, feeling like I belong...ahhhh!!! I need drugs...Im calling the doctor tomorrow and telling her I dont want to feel ANYTHING... numb me please!! Maybe if I dont feel, and I just function, Ill get through all this...I have to get through it...for my babies...

Truly
Amy

Wasted Time

Tue, 11 Jul 2006 23:18:33 GMT

Well it has been a while since I have written. Things have been very busy with work lately. However, I have missed venting on the innocents who would dare read my entries. One of the innocents sent me a nudge to get me to make an entry (thanks Sir. Derrick) so here goes... Yesterday was very difficult. My ex called me to vent his frustration. He basically said that he felt I had used him for financial security and that I had really done him an injustice by leaving him. AHHHH!! The man is an idiot. I LOVED him...with all of me. I TRIED!!! For 10 damn years...talk about wasted time!!!And IF I were using him for his money,he was making over 100,000 when I DID leave. Think...a beautiful house, money whenever I needed it AND I could stay home with my babies...a woman would be an IDIOT to leave that if there werent REAL issues!! I mean, Im not living the high life now. I can barely afford to pay attention! I wish his saying things like this didnt bother me. I wish I just didnt care what he thought. I DONT love him in a married way. I certainly dont want to go back to him...so why does it hurt so much when he blames me...when he makes me feel guitly...I mean I KNOW its not all my fault...I KNOW leaving was for the best...and yet him saying that I used him...and that I had wasted 10 years of his life...ouch, it hurt so much. I guess what Im needing is for him to just say "sorry". Im sorry I hurt you, Im sorry I did all those things to you...but that will never happen. Everything is my fault! My only hope is that time will take away the need for his apology. I DO feel like so much time was wasted I mean 10 years is a long time...however, my kids came from that...and I would do it all again to have them. So to me it wasnt wasted...

Truly
Amy

To tired to have a subject...

Sat, 01 Jul 2006 01:53:38 GMT

I never thought I would be so tired that Im just blah!! Im not happy or sad or anything...Im just tired... I worked a 13 hour day today...it was absolutely crazy. One of our tellers left this week on maternity leave and that only leaves me and one other...so pretty much leaves only one teller at a time seeing as we have to do lunches and the other teller has vault teller responsiblities so shes usually not helping customers when I am and I have ATM and branch balancing so Im not helping when she is. So basically one person at a time handling a four lane drive thru, and the lobby...So today when she was at lunch I had all four lanes dinging me...one would think when people can see you working your butt off helping about 40 mexicans cash their payroll checks and running back and forth between the lobby and drive thru that dinging the call button is totally useless...but NOOOOO! I think dinging the button makes them feel useful...like they are actually accomplishing something "other" than making me crazy...Its kinda like hitting an elevator button over and over...it just feels like its going to come faster if you keep punching it...so NOW I have the drive thru ding noise in my head and hear it even when Im at home...AHHHH!!! Soooo...the damn dinging...and at 6:05 the owner of Wendy's comes in with 6 HUGE deposits...and we have a security meeting scheduled for 6:15 with our local police dept. Needless to say I didnt leave the bank until 8:30...and I have to be back tomorrow morning...so this whiney pointless LJ entry is totally ok...DING...

Truly
Amy

Who am I ?

Thu, 22 Jun 2006 00:11:20 GMT

Today at work I had a troubling experience. A customer (one Ive never seen before) came in and I was my usual self. After waiting on him he told me he had something to say to me...sooo I said sure...go for it. He said that he sensed I was a "pure" soul, and that I had one of the kindest hearts he had ever seen...HOW THE HELL DOES HE KNOW??? Sorry, but I HATE it when people (especially complete strangers) think good things about me...I felt like screaming at him...do you know what I am? Do you know what I have become...I am an angry, hurt, failure...Ive let down my kids...everyone I love...everything I touch...it crashes down around me. WHY??!! do people have to place expectations on me that I will never live up to. What if I WANT to be bad!!! Just because I DO the right things doesnt mean I WANT to do them. So a true definition of me is a person who does the right thing but on the inside feels like SCREAMING hell no!! and just doing what I want instead of what others expect or even what I have come to expect of myself... I DONT want to be good anymore...good gets you hurt...loving gets you destroyed...for once (and I KNOW feeling this makes me a horrible woman)I want to do what "I" want...and not give a damn about who it hurts. Of course I wont do it... there are precious people in my life who deserve to be considered above myself...but somedays doing what is viewed as right...SUCKS!!! So back to the stranger... I wish I could have told him the truth...that Im NOT a pure soul, that Im NOT kind... I am a fake... I am not true to myself... that makes me a liar... my marriage ended...that makes me a failure... I have come to the conclusion expect nothing and you wont be disapointed...that makes me negative... I dont trust, I dont believe in people... I used to believe that unto the pure are all things pure...now nothing in my life is pure... Im all used up... tainted...damaged...who the hell have I become...

Truly
Amy

The Joyride

Tue, 20 Jun 2006 22:37:00 GMT

Well yesterday was fun...my bank has a convertable (red) VW bug that is the company car. Our branch has it this whole week and we each get to have it one night. I really wasnt interested but decided to take it for the night for my kids...Im so thankful that I did. If you can possibly imagine...top down, hair blowing in the wind...AND disney music (Alley & AJ)as loud as we could get it and two little kids screaming as loud as they could into the wind. Their little arms up in the air like they were on a roller coaster...it was definately a wonderful memory...lately Ive been dealing with all the change in my life and sometimes forget to "enjoy" my little ones. Yesterday reminded me how much I love being a mommy. How much I love being "their" mommy. I would take the bad and painful that has been in my life a million times again to come out in the end with my kids...they are the good part of me...the only thing I did right...So we ended our "wild" night of joyriding and breaking noise ordinance laws with a stop at the pizza place! It was a night I will always remember...a night when I connected with my babies,even in the midst of our chaos. A night when being "mommy" was more than baths, dinner, and kissing hurts...I had fun.

Truly
Amy

Change...

Tue, 13 Jun 2006 03:08:43 GMT

Today it hit me! I LEFT!! 10 years of trying, of hoping of living a paradigm...what it was "supposed" to be...a beautiful home...a comfortable lifestyle...getting to stay home with my babies...I traded it for a tiny apartment in a not so good part of town...working my butt off (cept its still there)...feeling exhausted...no sleep...but there is PEACE!!!Granted its not perfect. I have moments of panic where it hits me...What the hell are you doing Amy? I am afraid...afraid of what I did...afraid of what I have to do...afraid I will fail my kids...afraid I will fail those I love...but above all I realized I was afraid of change. Change can be a good thing. I think we tend to get comfortable with our life...and then ok becomes the enemy of good...and good becomes the enemy of best...and one day you wake up and your wasted...Life has been waiting on you...I want to LIVE! Yes I will always deal with guilt...It has been ingrained and beat into my head...this is black and this is white... I will always feel a sense of failure because I couldnt stay with my babies daddy...because I couldnt just take it...deal with it...just so they could have what was "supposed" to be...but one day they will understand...someone had to break free from that life...Hopefully I did it so they wont have to...they wont be forced into a mold they didnt choose...they can be themselves and it will be ok. Oh how I hope they LIVE!!! It is my hearts deepest longing that they KNOW themselves and are true to their hearts...Of course I want them to be succesful...educated...but above all true...true to themselves and to those they love. I want them to love and accept themselves and to know that no matter what I love and accept them. Change...I have had so much of it so fast...every now and them when I stop to catch my breath...it hits me...and though it scares me...it is good.

Truly
Amy

Where did the lightning bugs go?

Sat, 10 Jun 2006 02:06:48 GMT

So a very long day...too long... Im tired, obviously not too tired to type...I worked 12 hours today and also have my kids so it has been work and mommy mode since 4 this morning. On my way home from work (while talking on the cell phone and trying to get the kids to agree on where to eat)I saw an amazing sight. A lone solitaire lightning bug. I remember when I was a little girl you could go outside in the summer and look across the yard and see hundreds of little bug butts lighting up! Where did they go??? I actually took the time to stop and look for them tonight and I realized...they arent there. I could only find one. Are we experiencing a decline in the lightning bug population or did I "think" there were more of them when I was little? Regardless of the bug population issue I did take the time to stop, catch the lone buggy and show my kids...we let him crawl all over our syrup sticky hands (we ate at the pancake house)watched his little hiney light up and in the end let him go (seeing as they are having this population issue, I figured keeping the little guy could bring about extinction). So...I had a special moment with my babies...made a solitary lightening bug sticky (I bet the spider that eats him will be happy)and made a memory. Amazing...such a little thing...yet it stopped my frantic chaotic life...Hey...when you can see something in a bug that can light up its hiney you KNOW you have issues!

Truly
Amy

To My Children...

Fri, 09 Jun 2006 03:12:10 GMT

This is for therapy...all I would have my kids know...

My dear sweet babies,
As I held you in my arms tonight and sang you to sleep I realized just how precious you are to me. I know you cant understand all the why's of what is happening in your life right now. I wish I could take all your questions and all your confusion...all your hurt and make it disappear. I never want to hurt you. I know that ripping what you saw as a perfect family apart seems like mommy hurting you, but there are so many things that you are too young to understand...too young for me to even tell you. I want your lives to be so much more than mine has been. I want you to be free...free to experience life...to find yourself...I want you to have peace and happiness. I pray you find true love, though sometimes Im not sure it exsists. You two are the very essence of who I am...being your mommy has given me purpose in times when I had none. I know I have not been perfect...I know I have let you down...Im sorry...I promise to you to try and be a better mommy...to give all of me so that you can soar...I watch you both as you sleep and Im overwhelmed...how two beings so beautiful, so amazing...so innocent and pure...came from me. Im so imperfect...yet here you are...precious, priceless,irreplaceable...You make me want to keep going when I feel like giving up. I love you both more than you'll ever know...there are days you make me crazy...you make me feel like screaming...but mostly you make me realize that even though I am hurting and my life has not been what I dreamed it to be...that perfection can come out of the most imperfect of situations...I love you with all of me...

Your Mommy
Truly
Amy

Never Enough

Wed, 07 Jun 2006 23:23:10 GMT

Today has been spent lying on the couch with a heating pad on my side, hopeing the medicine will make me well enough to go to work tomorrow. I HAVE to go to work. I need the money to pay my bills!!! So better or not I have to go back tomorrow. The downside of resting though is having to think...I HATE having to think about my life and how I have come to the place I am. I also have to deal with the guilt...Im not enough for my kids Im not enough for those I care about in my life. I cant be everything for everyone all the time no matter how hard I try. Sometimes I feel like I should have stayed in my marriage and just taken the abuse so that my kids could have both their parents. Its really hard on them to be away from me...Its really hard on me to be away from them...Phillip has been decent enough to keep them while I have been sick but he is complaining about it!! He feels I "OWE" him for helping me out. That man could never just do something out of kindness he always asks the question whats in it for me? He also never feels an ounce of guilt. He is totally ok with being who he is...never any remorse or regrets...Must be nice...Anyways, Im feeling a bit down today. I feel so much pressure to be better than I am to try harder, to do more...and sometimes (especially when your feeling bad) the thought of trying to do better when your doing your best is very discouraging. I wish I could learn to accept that my best is good enough. But I cant...I always fall short of what I wish I could be for those I love. Im never enough...I wonder if I ever will be?

Truly
Amy

Why???

Fri, 02 Jun 2006 03:04:49 GMT

Ok sniffles and coughs!! YUK!!! Today has been icky to say the least. I had to work until 6 (very sick) and then go to the doctor.NO FUN! So now Im drunk on Nyquil and Alieve. This should be an interesting entry...I think Im going to talk about guilt...I spend 90% of my life feeling guilty for what I have done or what I didnt do...lets take my kids for example...Im sick really sick (I have bronchitis) I SHOULD be ok with them staying a night or two extra with their dad... I mean he IS a parent too right? but NO NO NO!! They want to be with me and so I cave...and If I DONT cave I dont enjoy my time because I feel guilty for not giving them every ounce of me...but between work...and my kids...there is NOTHING left...what do you do when youve given all you are and have nothing left...your of no use to anyone...Somedays I wish I could be weak for just a little while... I wish I could just be held and cry...be vunerable and not have that vunerability used against me...let someone else be strong...just a little while....but dreams are for sleeping... and I have to get a grip and keep moving...If I stop I MIGHT have to deal with me...and Im not ready for that...Im not ready to deal with the whys...why was I not enough? why did I get hit? why when I tried with all of who I am did I still come out hurt? OK!!! Told you I would have an intense dramatic depressing entry coming your way again...I dont stay happy long lol...Too much to do to be happy or sad...I just am...I exsist...I survive...

Truly
Amy

Invisible

Sat, 27 May 2006 16:48:39 GMT

Ok last entry I needed a break from being mommy. Now that Im here alone...Im sad. Time for myself is something Im not used to having. Since Ive been on my own there has definately been some peace, however there is also this feeling of "alone". Most times Im too busy to feel it, but right now it seems consuming. If I disappered today would anyone miss me? I feel invisible. I guess each of us want to matter to someone. To be special and significant. We have a need to belong. To be missed when we are away. I used to believe that no man was an island to himself...but now I wonder. I am an island. Alone in a vast expanse of sea. Wow!! sorry people Im kinda down today but...thats what this is for. THERAPY!!!lol The friend who talked me into this (and into my space) was right. Venting your emotions on complete strangers (if anyone even reads this)is theraputic. Thanks Jus...

mommy mommy mommy!!!!!

Fri, 26 May 2006 01:38:31 GMT

Ok so this is my first entry. One of my closest friends talked me into this for "therapy"! We shall see how theraputic it is to vent your frustration on folks you dont know. After 10 years of marriage I am now a single mommy! It is much more peaceful in my life but . . . some days I think if I hear the word mommy one more time Im gonna die. Lets take today for example... long day at work get the kids from school, cook dinner, do homework, read stories, and FINALLY ... time for a hot bubble bath!! (Thats what I thought) my son comes into the bathroom ... "mommy i need to potty" (whiny voice) so he proceeds. . . and mid potty he forgets what he is doing and turns and pees on ME!!!! So much for my relaxing bath! THEN he asks for a fudge pop and brings the entire box into the bathroom and drops them in my water. Imagine bubbles and sticky chocolate!!! I wonder what its like to take a bath without interruption, or pee. or sticky chocolate. Im probably one of the few people who have to shower AFTER they have a bath in order to be clean. Wow this is therpautic. I feel much better. Cant wait till tomorrow.

Truly Amy